I’ve been dumped twice in my adult life. Well, not exactly dumped since both times we were not in a relationship; but dating guys who called it off with me. Regardless of status, let me tell you that rejection is unpleasant, and at times confusing. Both times the guys gave me almost the exact same call-it-off speech, and it got me wondering if I am doing something wrong, or if my dating philosophy just isn’t really aligned with that of the modern man?

The First Guy

I met the first guy on an app. We exchanged a few messages, facetimed, and subsequently met up for lunch. Conversation was good and easy. We were having fun, so he asked me if I wanted to go for a little bike ride. I said yeah, despite wearing some cute booties that day. We ended up grabbing some bicycles from his house and hitting the trail until the sun set. Then we spent the evening listening to music at his place and singing karaoke. We laughed a bunch.  He was smart and had lived an interesting life. I was definitely feeling him. And it seemed as if he was feeling me. 

We went on a couple more dates after that, and I realized that I actually liked this guy (which doesn’t happen often for me, I’ll explain later). But after a couple of dates, he sent me a text saying he just wanted to be friends. I was reeling with confusion. What had happened? Each time that we had hung out, I thought, had been pretty fun. We hadn’t dated a lot, but this one definitely hurt my heart. I didn’t have any hard feelings, but I knew that we wouldn’t be friends.

The Other Guy

The second guy, I also met on an app. We exchanged a few messages, talked on the phone, and quickly met up for coffee. We walked around and talked for hours. It was fine. Just two people getting to know each other. After that day, he told me that he just thought we were in very different places in our lives (he was older, a divorcé, with several kids), so it probably wouldn’t work with us dating. It was just coffee, so no harm no foul. We connected on social media and kept in touch occasionally. 

Fast forward months and months later, he asks if I want to catch up over lunch. We do and he tells me maybe he had been too hasty about us not dating and would I be interested in giving it a shot. I said ok because, why not. We dated for about six weeks. During that time I began to take notice that he had never actually planned and taken me out on a date – we would just sort of hang out. I also noticed that in general it just didn’t seem like he was making a ton of effort to communicate through our busy schedules. I felt like we had enjoyable times together, but I wasn’t head over heels. Still, I put in effort to show that I was interested. But I was growing increasingly uncomfortable with our patterns. I brought this to his attention and a few days later he told me that he thought it would be best for us to just be friends. I knew that sparks weren’t necessarily flying, but I thought we enjoyed each other enough to where calling it off seemed a little hasty, especially in light of what I saw as missed opportunities to build experiences together. The rejection hurt, but I felt like we could be friends.

The Break Up Speech – Those Damn Sparks

So what was the reason that both of these guys gave for thinking we should just be friends? Well, both of them explained to me that I’m amazing: smart, fun, and beautiful. Which I am! (dusts shoulder off). They liked me and had fun with me, but for some reason that they just didn’t understand, they didn’t feel sparks with me. For this reason, they thought it best not to continue.

Now this is where the importance of my dating philosophy comes in. I don’t think that you need to feel sparks with a person in order to build a great relationship with them. I think if you have the base of things you’re looking for in a partner, and you enjoy each other, those strong feelings can grow as you spend more time and have more experiences with the person. Now this may just be a symptom of the fact that I rarely really feel that with people off jump. But I also think it’s the more level-headed way to approach relationships, especially if you’re looking for something real and long term. 

Don’t get me wrong, I met someone that I was sparking all over the place for once. And we had so much fun together. But I knew that they would not make a good partner based on some of the other traits and behaviors I saw in them. So my philosophy is that if you get sparks in the beginning, awesome. But if not, it’s not a prerequisite. You just have to deal with each other in a very intentional way, and the rest can fall into place. However, I get the sense that overwhelmingly, this is not the philosophy that most people, especially guys, have. If they don’t get that hot feeling right away, they move on.

Dating is Hard

When you get dumped, I think it’s natural to wonder why. I’m a very analytical person and I tend to overthink things, so of course I’ve taken the time to ponder over what was really going on in these situations. The differing opinions about the importance of feeling a spark is one aspect of this. The question of why sparks weren’t felt is another aspect of this. I have a theory that maybe I don’t show up in a traditionally feminine (I’m not sure if this is necessarily the word I’m looking for) way. And so guys enjoy hanging with me and recognize my virtues, but it causes them to frame me in the friend box. I feel that in the second situation the guy may have self-sabotaged us a bit. Or maybe it’s just as simple as “they just weren’t that into you”.

At the end of the day, dating is really hard. It can really push us out of our comfort zones because if you’re doing it right, you’re putting yourself out there, being vulnerable, and communicating things that you probably don’t feel too comfortable sharing. You’re doing all this, and you don’t know how the other person will react or feel. Plus, everyone has different ideas about how to approach dating and relationships. I like to give things a chance and see if something can grow, while other people think that feeling that initial spark is paramount. 

I’m curious, readers, which way do you think makes the best, strongest relationships? Do you think strong feelings like the spark can grow down the line? Or do you think that without that initial spark, it’s just settling? Leave a comment!