If you’ve ever used a Dating App to make a romantic connection, you know that it can be a drag. Men and women alike have a list of complaints about why trying to find love in the digital age is a waste of time. I’ve been using dating apps (mainly Bumble and Hinge) on and off for the past two years, and I can tell you that it can be very frustrating. But I feel like it doesn’t have to be. As all of us singles move into the new year, if we keep two things in mind when hitting the apps, I think we can enhance the quality of our dating experience overall. 

Be thoughtful and be considerate.

Thoughtfulness

From my dating experience, one of the main issues with the apps is that people seem not to put much thought or effort into their profile or the subsequent conversation after you match. Putting some thought into what pictures you put on your profile and what you write can go a long way to getting a conversation going past the initial  “hi/where are you from/what do you do?” questions.

For me, here are some behaviors that I see often that can hamper making a connection.

You don’t write anything in your profile. 

Or you write “just ask if you want to know more about me”. Well, with so little information, there’s nothing there to make me think I want to know more about you. Or let’s say you’re handsome and I swipe yes purely on how you look. (Which will rarely happen, let’s be honest). Because you haven’t written anything about yourself, it doesn’t give me anything interesting to say when I do write to you. Inevitably the conversation is going to be bland because there was nothing to work with.

You write something in your profile, but it’s basic.

Writing “I love tacos and beer” or “I love sports” is hardly something that’s going to foster a desire for me to get to know you. Nor is it going to differentiate you from anyone else. Instead take the time to be thoughtful about why you’re even on the app in the first place. Are you really looking for a romantic partner based on the fact that they, too, enjoy tacos and beer, and football?

Your profile is super negative.

Yes, we’re probably all a bit jaded. It can be tempting to vent about all of the behaviors you don’t want a potential match to exhibit. But honestly it just comes off as bitchy when you say things like “if you’re going to just say hi, don’t even bother”. Or “Let’s match and never actually say anything to each other”. Instead use your space to talk about you and what you’re looking for. No one wants all that negativity in their dating experience.

When we match and start messaging, you give one word answers.

On Bumble, the woman has to message first. When I send a guy a message I always try to ask him a question. Usually it’s based on something in his profile. I can’t tell you how often people just answer the question in a very short way. Yes, I know I asked you a question, but what I’m really trying to do is open up a dialogue. Not just get the answer to a specific question. So take the opportunity to tell me more about you.

You don’t ask any questions.

Going along with the above point, let’s say you answer my question and then that’s it. I now have a choice on whether I will continue to ask you questions to keep the conversation going, or if it’s just not worth my time. The most basic thing you can do is ask me back the question that I asked you. I’ve found that many men don’t even do that.

I know that many people believe that they are being ghosted on dating apps and that’s a big reason why the dating experience sucks. But the truth is, you may have left the person on the other end in a position where there’s really nothing much more to say without feeling like they’re pulling teeth to get you to talk. They’ve asked you a ton of questions, that you briefly answered, and you never asked them anything back. 

You have bad pictures on your profile.

By bad pictures I mean any of the following:

• Pictures where it looks like you just rolled out of bed…you’re not at your best.
• Pictures with you and a bunch of other people. No one wants to work that hard to figure out which person is you.
• Pictures that hide how you look: you’re wearing a mask, sunglasses, a hat. I hear that many women use a bunch of filters, so I would lump that into this category as well. Accessories are fine in some photos. But then there should be other pics where in total we get a sense of how you actually look.

Ideally you’ll have a mix of photos so that we can see how you actually look and learn a little bit about who you are and what you like to do (maybe that’s why there’s so many photos of people holding a fish?). If you don’t generally take photos of yourself, but you truly do want to make a connection with someone, be thoughtful about the process and ask a friend to take some new pics of you specifically for your dating profile.

Other Points

Now, I realize that many of my above points are centered on writing, and some people are just not good at expressing themselves through the written word. I mean, if I had it my way I’d have online dating exchanges reminiscent of those from the movie, You’ve Got Mail (I know I’m a nerd, it’s fine). But everyone’s not Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. If this is the case, play to your strengths. Be thoughtful about some initial questions that you can ask someone to kind of get to know them. Then quickly try to move it along to either a phone/video call (through the app). Or even a quick in-person meet-up. That way you’re not wasting each others’ time and energy.

If you really like someone you see, don’t be afraid to give them a super/boosted swipe. Let them know that something about them really caught your eye, regardless of the possibility that they may not respond. Because that vulnerability may be the reason that they swipe yes to you, despite you not having the most engaging profile.

Consideration

If we all had a little more consideration for the people on the other end of the app, I think that the online dating experience wouldn’t be so bad. Instead, the apps make us feel like there are endless possibilities if we just keep swiping, and also like we should get instant gratification for our efforts. They also make us feel detached from the fact that there is a real person on the other end. These ways of thinking can lead to rude behavior that can leave the receiver feeling jaded. In turn causing them to perpetuate the cycle with the same bad behavior. Thus making dating apps its own circle of hell for us all.

I’ve experienced the following behaviors on the apps. If you want to have consideration for other people and that they do the same for you, don’t do this:

• Ghost/un-match with me as soon as I respond to a question in a way that you don’t like. So rude! It’s really not that hard to say, “oh. I think I’m looking for something different, but best of luck on your search”.
• Not give the person time to respond. I know that most people are tied to their phone, but a lot of us aren’t. If it’s been 24 hours and I haven’t replied to your message yet, that’s no cause for you to un-match with me. I can’t tell you the number of times that I’ve gone to respond to a message and it had disappeared because the person unmatched. We all do have lives in the real world. Give people time…it may have nothing to do with you.
• Make plans and then disappear. I’ve literally had someone set up a date and then when I reach out to them a few hours before the date, they un-match with me. What’s the point of that? And also, you’ve wasted my time for the day. So inconsiderate.
• Be dishonest about what you want. If you just want a friend with benefits, say that. If you want a relationship, say that. If you’re not exactly sure what you want, say that. But follow it up with what you are or are not willing to have/do. There are plenty of people out there who want exactly what you want. But it’s not fair to engage with someone knowing they want something that you’re not willing to give.

Pushing Our Comfort Zones for a Better Dating Experience

I think using dating apps definitely pushes the boundaries of many people’s comfort zone. If you’re doing it right, you have to exhibit some level of openness so that other people can get to know you. You have to, or at least should, sit with yourself and figure out who you are and what you’re actually looking for. And you have to be vulnerable and keep putting yourself out there, regardless of what the outcome may be. 

As for me, I’m going to keep chugging along and try to stay optimistic. I really hope that more people will go into this process with a more thoughtful approach and a more considerate heart so that we can all have a better online dating experience. 

Why do you think online dating is so hard? Do you think we can change it as a collective? Let me know in the comments! I’d love to hear your experiences.